Where I was & Where I’m going

I’ve learned in these last few months that when you are in survival mode… in an ongoing functioning trauma response, your boundaries will drop, you will forget who you are, old habits of protection will find their way back to you. Those neural brain pathways are deep motherfuckers. 

My old habits have come back with a vengeance these past few months and yet somehow awareness remains. It’s not the same numbed out reactions of denial. I know where and when I fuck up almost as soon as I do it. And I fuck up plenty. 

Coming out of the pandemic and into the 2020-2021 school year I maintained a calm and present way out in the real world. Well, at least in hindsight… it seems, lately, I am always looking back, trying to get back to this person I was, instead of allowing the person I am to be here. And also, I have no desire to actually go back to 2020. 2020 me got me to 2022 me, but 2022 me is a whole new bitch, and I’m not too upset with her. 2022 has been the hardest year of my life and I wouldn’t trade it for any moment of the past and it’s going to make for a very vibrant future.