Resentment

Resentment: There’s a lot to unpack here… y’all ready?

The topic of resentment has been an ongoing theme coming up in my life as of late and in general. It’s because I have been longing to have a better understanding of it and the role it plays in my life. To begin to really release it. 

When you put the intention out into the world to have a better understanding of something the universe will find ways to teach you. 

The topic of resentment has made a regular appearance in the group discussions with my teacher. But my teacher teaches to the body and not to the mind, and the body learns s l o w l y. 

This January, during my meditation class the topic of resentment came up; my student was experiencing the understanding of resentment through his body. And through our conversation together I was able to begin to have insights throughout my day and subsequently through the month, by bringing a deeper curiosity to my personal experience of resentment.

It seemed to me that resentment comes from not being seen in your needs even when you aren’t expressing your needs… unconsciously.

But I’m a big fan of googling a definition to see where I can draw my understanding of something deeper… to open up my curiosity further, not to pigeon hole it into only what “google” has to say, but to also question what the standard definition is. Words and definitions are tricky little suckers that can mean different things based on people's personal life experiences and cultures.  But they can also be sign posts

A Google search defined resentment as: bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. 

But I can feel that this definition just doesn’t fully hit the spot. 

I understood, looking back at my marriage when and why I would feel resentment at having to do things I didn’t think I needed to do because I felt it unfair that I was the only one who had to do them… 

For example this past school year I have fallen more deeply in love with my teaching job than I have felt in a long long time. I thought maybe it was due to the new position and I am sure that is part of it, but my improved love for this job has made me wonder, why I don’t quit the side gigs and just focus on the teaching… I started the side gig because I resented the fact that I didn’t make enough money teaching and I thought I needed to make more. Sure, I still don’t believe teachers make enough, another depth of resentment, but when this career is partnered with another equally sustainable income it can be quite the fulfilling life. My curiosity around this gave me the insight that it wasn’t entirely the job I resented, it was the fact that I was the only one working my ass off at career level income and working conditions. Because I am now solely responsible for bringing in the income, I am free to love what I do. The strings of obligation were loosened because they were mine alone and not in contract with another. Of course during most of my marriage I didn’t recognize or realize this, because resentment lives more in our body than it does our mind.  So when it drops away from our experience it drops away from our body as well.

But this was not the only place I experienced resentment.

I thought about how being angry … or more specifically, resentful, I was about the trash the other day. My son had actually brought the trash cans back from the curb, a novelty that brings me joy when it happens, except the trash collectors had not yet actually picked up the trash due to the snow. 

“Why didn’t he pay attention to this, couldn’t he see the trash was still there? That all the neighbors had trash in their bins? I mean, come on, I knew it before I got to our driveway.” So I drudged it back over the stupid snowy bank and back out into the street. I wanted so badly to say something subtly smart ass to him about recognizing this, but I knew now, in this resentful energy, was not the time and it would only assure the trash cans were never ever brought back from the street again.

When it comes to taking out the trash in this past year I have noticed a regular experience of resentment. Where is this coming from and why? My ex took out the trash before, does this have something to do with it? No, it's bigger than that…

This being a single mom thing, I bitch about that a lot, I find ways to point it out. I feel it deeply, I am resentful about it. I am resentful about having to do this all alone. 

And, I know, I chose this, and I would choose it over and over again. 

It still feels unfair. But who is treating me unfairly? 

My ex treated me unfairly, sure, sometimes, of course he did.  But when I think about the single mom thing, the feeling of resentment I have isn’t directed towards him. It just is.

It’s possible that my kid is treating me unfairly by not picking up some slack, like taking out the garbage… and there is a “but” here… As his parent and in this new household, it is my responsibility to teach him how to do this. But still in the end I cannot make him take out or back up the trash… and yet he does do it sometimes. 

I’ve got stories upon stories of my parents treating me unfairly. Don’t we all. 

Friends, colleagues, bosses? Of course they have. Being treated unfairly is a natural human experience… we’ve all heard it… say it with me now “Life is not fair”. 

What I have gotten to through following this thread of curiosity around resentment is that when we resent it is because we want to be seen in our needs but we don’t necessarily want to communicate our needs. It’s hard to communicate our needs. People will ridicule you, criticize you, and judge the expression of your needs, especially if you do so as a child. 

Ah! The audacity of asking for what you want! The child gets resentment thrown right back at them… because generational patterns and trauma are real. 

Oftentimes, it’s even hard to know what our needs are. And then you get that look of impatience and indignation, where the head shakes a little forward and eyes bug out a bit from the person unable to “hear” you in your needs.

Resentment is snarky AF. 

Speaking our needs is uncomfortable AF.

So we learn to shove it down and ignore our own basic needs. It becomes a bodily response. It becomes innate.

It becomes so innate that we ignore our very own needs in a moment of independence, overriding ourselves and creating the emotion of resentment for ourselves instead of resistance to another human … We feel resentment but we don't actually understand why. And we move past it quickly without actually having an awareness of it. And then when we see other people meeting their own needs or getting their needs met… resentment again! 

I’ve been following the hit of resentment now for a few weeks:

I’ve been resentful when people interrupt me, when I get a text message when I’m in the middle of something, “can’t you see that I’m busy?”

(Of course they can’t see, they are texting me, but it doesn’t mean my body doesn’t feel the hit of resentment, that leads me into another spiral of frustration and reactivity.)

I’m resentful when my pets have needs and all I’m trying to do is walk in the fucking house… 

…When I get interrupted when I am trying to meet my own needs, when my glasses broke the other day because they swung out of hands, when I can’t just be free to live my life because I have to accommodate for somebody else instead of me.

I was resentful at my fucking coat when it fell of before I was ready the other day. (It was tiny and subtle, but it was there, and I was able to giggle at it once I realized what emotion moved through me)

Shit, I’ve got a pretty strong history of being resentful at inanimate objects… 

Some of my biggest “resentment” moments come from being made to feel, or I perceive I am being made to feel like I am dumb, I don’t understand, or am incapable… If someone tries to explain to me something I already know… oeeffff, watch out for that passive aggressive response. And if I am only perceiving it - my body doesn’t know the difference between real or perceived. Your body doesn’t know it either.  

Resentment is hard to admit. Hard own.

Resentment comes from the energy of “can’t you see I’m busy”

Resentment comes from taking anything personally. 

Resentment is making someone else wrong for not following your unspoken boundaries.  

Resentment is I-Told-You-So energy.

Resentment is “I knew this was going to happen.” (I swear people make predictions just so they can feel that hit of being “right” and then be justified in their resentment. Because remember emotions are addictive, even the unwanted ones.) 

Resentment is wanting things to be different than they are. 

Resentment is being offended when other people are just being themselves when we want them to be something different. 

Resentment is doing something for someone else to hope they’ll get the hint and do the things you want them to do without telling them and then being mad at them when they don’t do it, instead of just enjoying the happiness the other is experiencing for your good deed. It’s no longer a good deed and it feels icky icky for the other person. And it can become dangerously manipulative when we aren’t aware or open to admit this within ourselves. 

Now that a few weeks have passed by since I started this deep dive into resentment, what I discovered is that when I first started I was in a SPOT… like I was in a momentary cycle of grief and general life discomfort. I was holding on tight for control. As I have moved out and through that time, I am recognizing that a state of resentment is not my actual norm - whew thank god, because I was really beginning to question myself! 

And, taking the time to reflect and be with the resentment, hold it without extended judgment for my reactions, and watch it pass by has allowed me some ease and forgiveness for myself. Resentment is something I can own and accept. It is something I can watch come up in me and then know where I am in my own personal cycle and give myself grace. It is through this grace and approval that I will be able to make real changes in my life experience and LIVE life even deeper than ever. 

I have been working with acupuncture for many years now. Yesterday I learned the areas of the body he works on moving stagnation through for me are the organs that hold resentment. Today was the first time I was readily able to watch the difference in my social energy, with other people, with how I approach the world… how I be different after an acupuncture session… without resentment. Like, I knew I was different after a session prior, I knew I was changing, I knew I was opening…. But now I can follow it. Well, I can begin to follow it. 

I hold resentment in my gut, gallbladder and spleen to be specific, but I don’t know it until my gut is inflamed and uncomfortable. For the past two weeks of exploring resentment, my gut has been hella inflamed. I also know this is a regular time of year for my gut to be inflamed. It’s a cycle… a circle… resentment comes, my gut get’s inflamed. Or, my gut gets inflamed and resentment comes. 

Today I have been able to witness that resentment blocks compassion. If I am lacking compassion for another’s experience, no matter how they may have “wronged” me, I know I may be in resentment. 

And if I find myself experiencing any of the thoughts or situations listed above, I am experiencing resentment. And this is ok. It's to be human. I am actually experiencing a good deal of resentment right now. And so now I begin to explore the work of how to release my resentment before my gut becomes inflamed and I am in a bodily survival mode. 

To accept things as they are. To be present. 

To accept that I feel resentment and that it’s ok. To be present with and hold my resentment. 

And then to shake or dance or yell or punch resentment the fuck off. 

And I know a bit more about when to implement coping mechanisms and supports, such as acupuncture, because this is the work of a lifetime. It never stops. I will never be perfect. I will experience resentment again.

We have got to face our shit my loves, it is hard and rewarding work. It is the best way to live. It is freedom. So much more on this come… on approval and freedom, and the many beautiful teachers in my life who have guided me to this place.